Dear Manufacturers of the Fellowes Powershred W-11C 11 Sheet Cross-Cut Shredder,
I am writing because I have several comments regarding your product.
I have not actually purchased the Powershred W-11C, but I did recently go through a breakup, and how I feel can really only be described in this way: my heart is being put through a paper shredder.
You may be wondering why, of the many mid-range paper shredders on the market today, I have chosen to associate my heartbreak with the Powershred W-11C.
During the now ample downtime that I used to spend having sex and cuddling with someone who was muscular and nice and smart and cared about me, I have done extensive paper-shredder research. And, of all the brands that showed up in the Amazon search I did between bouts of weeping in my bed at 3 A.M., yours looked the meanest and most intimidating. I am therefore forced to conclude that the Powershred W-11C is the very make and model of metaphorical paper shredder currently turning my heart into what your Amazon page describes as “higher-security confetti particles.”
I recognize, of course, that my heart is not literally stuck inside a paper shredder. It just feels like it is. However, according to a self-help guru whose name I forget, who was mentioned on the podcast I listened to this morning in an unsuccessful attempt to stop myself from crying on the subway, our feelings create our reality. Thus, I have chosen to act within the framework of the reality I perceive to be true, the one in which my actual fucking heart is in an actual fucking paper shredder.
I know this doesn’t make much logical sense, but, to be honest with you, Manufacturers of the Fellowes Powershred W-11C 11 Sheet Cross-Cut Shredder, I don’t really have anyone else to turn to right now.
That said, I have several complaints I’d like to lodge about your product description. For one thing, you state that the Powershred’s “patented safety interlock switch” prevents “accidental shredding.” I believe this safety-interlock switch may not be as effective as you think, because I’m pretty sure my heart’s shredding was accidental. I certainly did not intend ever to feel this way, and if I’d known that this was what dating leads to, I never would have done it.
I am also concerned that the “durable steel cutters” on the Powershred are not really as durable as advertised. One would expect steel blades to provide a clean separation, but I’m still Gchatting my ex-boyfriend, like, every other day.
Furthermore, you boast that the Powershred—and here I quote—“ensures quick and easy automatic shredder operation.” I can assure you that my shredding process has been neither quick nor easy. To be more specific, it feels like my heart is being shoved into the Powershred’s “9-inch wide paper entry” slot and actively ripped apart, until the Powershred sort of jams up for a few hours, and the pain recedes so that I think maybe it’s done, but then it starts shredding again. Everyone else is just going about his normal life, but I’m like, “Excuse me, my heart’s in a paper shredder here!”
You may argue, Manufacturers of the Fellowes Powershred W-11C 11 Sheet Cross-Cut Shredder, that, yes, it might be more problematic to shred a human heart than to shred eleven sheets of letter paper. A heart is supposed to be stronger than paper. It is supposed to be complex and resilient. I can only counter this argument with bewilderment, because my heart doesn’t feel very resilient right now. It feels more shredded.
Finally, I’d like to express my concern that your product is wildly overpriced. I definitely wouldn’t choose to pay $73.04 for this experience. Even if shipping is free.
