Dancing with the Stars recap: Threesomes!

Well, it’s official: I love threesomes. I’m REALLY into them. I just can’t believe it’s taken 14 seasons of Dancing With the Stars for me to figure this out.

I was a huge, huge fan of the “dance trios” — ha, nice try guys — last night. The whole concept seemed like such a fun, easy way to bring back some of Our Pros and showcase some of Those Decoys that I found myself wondering how this hadn’t happened yet. Everyone loves sex! And who wouldn’t want to see the dearly departed Karina, Val, Tristan and Tony dance again, or Sasha and Henry earn a well-deserved spotlight? Just a genius idea all-around. Dance Duel, ya burnt!

In the immortal words of Maria Menounos, Greek goddess of self-pity and navel jewels: “I like all this touching.” Need we say more?

Tile This S***!

New desktop background? Consider it. I’m happy to Photoshop your face in there for free.

Also: Psssssst. Melissa. Your right hand’s a little too high.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!

William Levy and Cheryl Burke: 30/30 foxtrot + 27/30 paso doble = 57/60 William brought Cheryl a huge bouquet of flowers for her birthday (I’ll just take the delivery boy, please) but the only gift Cheryl wanted was the prospect of “nailing your two dances today.” You’d think they’d be polite and wait for their threesome member Tony before they started nailing, but no! The couple earned a perfect 30 in round one, the foxtrot. Strutting stray cat William doesn’t bother chasing mice around, but he will follow a sparkly, tiered-fringe newsprint gown (yes! that exists) to the ends of the earth, or at least the edges of the ballroom. “You couldn’t be more debonaire and suave if you tried. I hate you even more!” cried Bruno. Good thing William didn’t need his adorable son to defend his dad against Bruno’s jealous rage, because Baby Levy looked sleeeeeepy.

With the help of a simple mask and cape, William transformed into Zorro for the “trio dance” and got to live out the dream he’d had as a little boy in Cuba. I wonder if, as a little boy in Albania, Tony Dovolani wanted to be a doctor. He had transformed into one during their rehearsal footage, with the long sleeved white shirt under the light blue tee. Is it that easy? Can I just dream of becoming the creme filling of a Chmerkovskiy sandwich and it will happen? No. This threesome’s paso doble, featuring William and Tony as the White and Black Swans of matadors (or the “two raging bulls” according to Bruno), challenged our piping hot empanada to rise up to the level of Our Pros. And he did it! Thanks to a very effective camera angle, it even looked like Wiliam was leading/out-charging Tony in their violent knee-runs. Knee runs are all the rage this season! As are THREESOMES.

NEXT: Is Roshon Fegan the new comeback kid? Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower: 29 foxtrot + 27 paso doble = 56/60 There’s no Dance Duel to save him from the viewer vote anymore, but this week Roshon pulled out his biggest guns yet: his two grandmas, Kathleen and Conchita. They are pretty much the two greatest grandmas in televised ballroom dancing history, with Conchita getting the slight edge due to her stern, Len-like demonstration of what Roshon was doing wrong with his feet. Kathleen’s enthusiastic arm waving in the liiiiiiiiiiiiiive audience was quite solid, though.

Their magical presence worked: Roshon earned his top score so far for the couple’s clean-lined foxtrot. Len called them “two little dancing munchkins” (I’m not sure how this was a compliment, and I also suspect he may have been talking about the grandmas) but Bruno compared Roshon to a young Mickey Rooney. Not bad. Have any two costumes ever clashed as much as Chelsie’s polka dots and Roshon’s plaid? At least they kept it in the Disney family: She looked like Minnie Mouse and he looked like he’d jumped out of the chalk-painting alternate reality on Mary Poppins.

Chelsie decided to engage in a very special munchkin threesome with the Troupe’s Sasha Farber because “he’s really good at being masculine” and Roshon would have to man up to Sasha’s level. He did end up looking stronger than ever in this paso doble, probably due to Sasha’s valuable male perspective during training. “You may be the new comeback kid!” Tom encouraged Roshon. This was a bit more realistic than Sasha promising Roshon he would not be in the bottom two, because Sasha had “never lost anything.” Oh honey. What about your mind?

The DANCMSTR struck again with a cutesy and off-the-wall comparison, likening Roshon and Sasha to “two skinny fries chasing the ketchup.” I am once again bowled over by Len’s Americanization lately. Last week he called Maria’s paso “crisp as a Pringle” and this week he’s using the term “fries” instead of “chips”? What’s next? Coffee??? No. “TIGHT BUTTOCKS! I like that!” chuckled Len, apparently on another train of thought entirely. “Someone’s got a Happy Meal!” said Tom.

I liked how Roshon giggled as if to say “yeah, of course, so what?” after Bruno pointed out that he had “lost sync” with Sasha a couple times. Carrie Ann also called William and Tony out on this. I guess that’s the danger in dancing alongside a pro of the same sex. Still, I think the advantages in training outweighed any out-of-sync moments the judges noticed (and I didn’t, of course, because I’m always way too focused on costumes…and the occasional tight buttocks).

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd: 27 tango + 28 jive = 55/60 Len is really making Donald work for that 10 — is it anywhere in sight? As long as Donald keeps covering his head with his orange shirt after frustratedly watching footage of William and Cheryl on his iPad, no it is not. The couple’s opening black-pleathery tango was aggressive and powerful and probably could have earned them three 10s had it not been the first dance of the night. “You set the standard and you set it high,” said WITHHOLDNGMSTR. Whatever, Len. I loved the dramatic finish to the tango, with Donald sprawled out across the stairs — “beware of the killer stilettos, when fatal attraction turns to bloodshed!” I also noticed that in contrast to the popping guppy face Mark Ballas employs while changing directions in the tango, Peta actually says the entire word: “Wow.”

NEXT: ‘Mark’s whatever accent’! The Donald-Peta-Karina jive threesome was my favorite dance of the night and I can’t believe it didn’t get a perfect 30. It had everything: double-trouble yellow fringe, a shiny red jacket that would soon be discarded in favor of a sleeveless 194-pounder with cheese (now that’s what I call a Happy Meal), a fun zoom-in on the jukebox featuring “Rip It Up — Harold Wheeler Band,” and an absolutely wild jump at the end during which Donald leapt over his two sex dance partners as they stood up straight in heels! WHAT? This was just crazy exciting. I had to rewind it so many times to watch each of the three dancers react to their recent evasion of death. And of course, the Mini Drivers were in full effect, bouncing up and down and once again sporting choice headwear from the Gavin DeGraw Collection.

If you could hear him over the raucous boos of the audience, Donald practically begged for this dance to be the Lencore tonight. I second that! I’m honestly not sure why Len is holding out on Donald like this, but my best guess is that he wants to wait to give him that 10 until it’s just Peta and Donald dancing (no third party — Len awarded no 10s during the threesome round). It’s pretty nuts that he hasn’t just held up the darn paddle by now, though.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: 26 Viennese waltz + 29 cha cha = 55/60 “Don’t hold a grudge against the judge,” the DANCMSTR reminded everyone who was upset with him tonight. Katherine stumbled a bit at the end of their round 1 Viennese waltz on the way back up from one of those deadly, lurching spins. Are those ever even worth it? They take forever to conquer in practice and then half the time, Officer Inaba of the Lift Police Task Force will getcha anyway if you’re too eager to fly into them after a running start. The routine was filled with tons of difficult content, but it didn’t look as effortless as Katherine’s usual. I was also not a fan of the long-sleeved bridal gown disaster with hints of mint green underneath. Katherine’s hair was fantastic, though. How long do you think that intricate multi-tiered, gem-twisted ‘do took? Two days? Six?

Hooray! Amateur leprechaun and EW.com blogger Tristan MacManus swept in to bring some lucky charms to Katherine and Mark’s ménage à trois cha cha cha. “We’ll have a bit o’ craic while we’re here,” the Irishman promised the Welshwoman. (Translation: “a bit of foon.”) The best part of this segment was when Katherine named all the different, mostly lovely sounds populating their rehearsal studio: “Tristan’s Irish accent, my Welsh accent, and Mark’s…whatever accent.” The worst was when the right lower leg of her one-piece suit failed to rip off during her transformation from a lady thief in a suit (“She’s a lady!” cried Katherine’s countryman Tom Jones) to a lady thief in an amazing red-to-black gradient fringed frock. Katherine maintained composure, though, and eventually kicked off the terrible pant leg naturally during the dance.

Anyone else think all of this was a ploy for Mark to have a reason to handcuff himself to Tristan and then claim the “key went missing”? Mark is smarter than I thought. Wherever he’s from. “WOW.”

NEXT: The DRAMAMSTRS

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough: 28 Viennese waltz + 26 samba = 54/60 After an emotional week of rehearsals, Maria couldn’t stop crying after their foggy and candlelit (a combination I will never understand) Viennese waltz. I didn’t even think Derek was that harsh during their footage, but he went out of his way to apologize for being “a little bit of a jerk.” Anyway, I wouldn’t say this waltz made me hear angels in my head like Carrie Ann — I’d have to wait until the Chmerkovskiy three-way for that — but it was perfectly lovely and filled with intricate limb-winding and plenty of seductive back gropes. Len marked them down two points for only spending five or six bars in hold.

And of course Grumpy wasn’t a fan of the couple’s Bollywood threesome with trouper Henry Byalikov. This routine would have worked so well on a Dancing With the Stars freestyle night, or maybe a So You Think You Can Dance regular night, but as it was it did seem out of place. I enjoyed it anyway, especially the sight of Derek and Henry in their Aladdin-esque outfits and totally not ballroom-appropriate slippers. I also liked how tormented Derek became after Maria marveled at Henry’s wider frame and delicious abs. “I totally wanna start Henrymania — why should William get all the ab attention?” wondered Maria. I’m gonna go out on a wild limb with a big diamond at the end of it here and guess that Maria wanted some of that ab attention for herself. Work it, girl (give a twirl)!

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24 foxtrot + 27 samba = 51/60 “You’re making me look like a terrorist,” Maks complained as a last resort after a series of f—ing bleeps suggested trouble in purgatory a.k.a. Melissa and Maks’ rehearsal studio. Well, it takes two to tango — or foxtrot — but clearly this is not a one-on-one dynamic that can be resolved in the studio. It’s nice that Melissa keeps sticking up for her partner during the live shows, but do the editors hate Maks so much that they can’t throw in evidence of Melissa being a nightmare to work with either? Or is there none? It’s so one-sided all the time and it’s always disappointing to watch. In terms of dancing, though, this was Melissa’s best week yet and she’s never looked more confident. Finally! For round one, Melissa and Wolverine danced the foxtrot. I’d been waiting all season for someone to tickle Harold Wheeler with a feather boa, so we can check that off my bucket list.

But you know what I really meant when I said Melissa had the Best Week Ever. HELLO. Hats — and shirts — off to Melissa because shimmying her way between the two Chmerkovskiys during the samba threesome was the least frightened of Maks/herself/dancing that Melissa’s looked all season. Even Melissa’s son was shocked! (Maybe he’s a Val fan.) Bruno was correct in possibly his most sex-drenched commentary of the evening: “It obviously takes two to get the best out of you.” Ewwwww, Bruno. But oooooooh, Val and Maks in suspenders and vests from the Larry King Chippendale Collection. (Ha! Tom.) Does it get any better than this?

Reprise!

There will be no hidden gems collection this week, as I am headed to the set this afternoon. Here’s a special hidden gem throwback to tide you over until next week.

Reader Donna W notes: “Brooke is wearing a Christmas ribbon on her shoulder, keeping up with the Friends theme for the season. Remember Phoebe?” I do. Remember Brandy? (Can you find the hidden gem within this really obvious gem?)

Double elimination tonight. I’m surprised it’s not a TRIPLE! Who do you think will head home?

Follow @EWAnnieBarrett

Read more:

Tristan MacManus blogs Threesome Night. Bloody handcuffs!

Tristan MacManus blogs Classical Night. Why not?

Classical Night recap: Orchestral Mirrorballs in the Dark

‘DWTS’: Your Hidden Gems of Classical Week!

Was Len Goodman the original inspiration for Flashdance?!

All of Annie’s ‘DWTS’ episode recaps

Ask Annie anything about ‘Dancing With the Stars’ (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not* liiiiiiive! and she is not really sitting there right now. She updates a few times per week.