The narcissist’s art of abusing you within the boundaries of “plausible deniability.”
Early in the relationship we were at the dining room table talking over dinner. I was sharing about something I was working on for our neuroscience coaching program, thinking he’d be interested since he was also a coach. He was giving me unenthusiastic “Uh-huhs.” When I was done he changed the subject to himself without asking any follow-up questions. I was a bit deflated, but I soon learned conversation went better when I just focused on him.
I was helping my friend move. He showed up at the end of the day “to help” when almost everything was done. I went to kiss him and he sort of dodged me. That night he told me I had a problem with excessive public displays of affection and it made people uncomfortable. (I later saw other evidence he was quite attracted to this friend — I guess he wanted her to see he wasn’t that into me even though we were living together?) I learned not to touch him in public unless he initiated.
I designed a game and was in the testing stages. I was quite excited and it was going well — the darn thing worked and people loved it. This was right before Christmas and that year he gave me three different books on game design. I said, “Hey, thanks, but you know I’ve figured this out.” He replied patronizingly “Yes, but I thought you’d want to be sure you were doing it right.” (This was actually just before I left and those books were the first things to go in the donation pile.)
I didn’t say much of anything about any of this to him or anyone else. It felt petty and self-centered to complain. After all, he had the right not to be super interested in my work, didn’t he? And if he didn’t want to be kissed in public, I guess that was understandable too? And who complains about what might just be a thoughtful gift? And yet, those are just three examples of what I have come to know as micro-manipulation.
Micro-manipulation is nasty stuff. It’s hard to catch and it’s hard to get others to understand why it is so devastating and abusive. It rests on the narcissist’s ability to, as in my examples, work within the bounds of plausible deniability. It’s often the tool of a covert narcissist to erode your self-esteem without seeming to come across as toxic. “What? You always make such a fuss. I didn’t mean anything by it,” is their refrain. “Don’t be so sensitive.” Yeah, right.
Advertisement
Micro-manipulation can also look like:
~ Backhanded compliments with a sting. “Great talk, only a few people left while you were going through your slides, but I am sure they just got impatient for you to get to the main point. I knew where you were going so I hung in there.” Ouch.
~ Disinterest in your work, activities, or interests. “It’s not my thing but I see how you would like this,” with the implication that you are silly, immature, or less enlightened/successful than they are.
~ “For your own good” feedback. And/or “I don’t see this, but I heard people say it about you.” For example, “You probably don’t realize that you tend to dominate the conversation. It doesn’t bother me, but I can tell it makes our friends uncomfortable.”
`~ Sharing information they “thought you’d be interested in” that is designed to devalue you. “I saw this article on intermittent fasting for older women to help with weight loss,” when you have not mentioned wanting or needing to lose weight.
`~ And of course, gaslighting — but subtly. Not outright lies. Things they can claim were a “mistake.” “No you had the car keys last, I’m worried about your memory these days,” when you know they were the ones who moved your car and had those darn keys somewhere.
Ultimately, the test of whether these “micro=manipulations” are legitimate mistakes or aspects of an abusive relationship is A) does it feel good? Do you feel empowered, seen, supported? Or do you find you feel less than yourself? B) is it a recurring pattern or a one-time blunder? and C) is the person apologetic if what they do or say doesn’t work for you, even if well-intentioned? Can you talk about how you feel or are you met with accusations and defensiveness?
Please do NOT ignore micro-manipulation, even though you may want to doubt yourself and would find it hard to explain to others. It’s a far bigger red flag than it may seem. Something that can help you see that it is actually a pattern of abuse is to write it down. I like to use four columns for this:
1) What happened (when and where can be good to include).
2) What you did or didn’t do in response.
3) What they did or didn’t do when you responded (if you did).
4) How it all felt.
Our brains want to make everything ok so we can carry on without having to disrupt our lives. Noticing the micro-manipulations (and of course other more blatant abuse) can be a critical part of disentangling and being able to move on to a healthier life.
——
In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
—
This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock