How to lose 105 pounds in just one tweet!

So imagine if you get arrested, you get weighed, and the damned cops dare to put  your weight on the public jail records?

Dilemma, right? No! You can fix that instantly, and you need only one tweet to do it!

Yes! It really is THAT EASY! You have just cut 105 pounds from your weight. Granted, you need some pretty gullible followers, especially if you keep posting photos of yourself, but hopefully they are stupid enough not to notice.

Pro tip: If they DO ask questions, like “um how come you look so fat in your pics?” just go on a rant about your Stage 4 bone cancer, your AIDS and your Anorexia and they’ll feel so terrible that they’ll drop the issue.

 

A brief conversation with Cait Nanna from Haldol Hepzi and the Angry Avocados in an interview with freelance author Chuck Palahniuk for Rolling Stone Magazine – July 21, 2019

 

 

 

 

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CP: What do I call you? Hepzi? Haldol Hepzi?

CN: No please, call me Cait. The Hepzi thing is something I dreamed up for my online persona. Some years ago I was experimenting with methamphetamine and PCP, and had a psychotic episode. While I was being treated in Unit 17 of  the Bellevue Hospital in New York, I decided to do a social experiment – to become a different person online and see how far I can take it.

CP: Unit 17?

CN: Yeah, that’s what they call the isolation ward. The people in Unit 17 are the worst of the worst. I was pretty docile, but because I was tripping on PCP they put me in there as a precaution.

CP: So Haldol Hepzi and the Angry Avocados is a social experiment?

CN: No, not the band as such, but that’s a part of it. While I was in Unit 17 I was watching a documentary about Charismatic Revivalists, and it was fascinating. I just thought to myself “hey, if they can do it, why can’t I? You just get a bunch of followers, say some crazy stuff, and next thing you’re rolling in the money”. I studied them and their methods. It all comes down to reading people – you do a cold reading, find their weaknesses and insecurities, and bam, you have yourself a new follower.

CP: I’ve heard of cold reading, but I’m not sure exactly how it works.

CN: Oh it’s easy. You just talk to someone and study their reactions closely. You mention some things like abuse, rape, relationship problems, health issues – when you see them reacting, say when you say “abuse” and they flinch, you hone in on that. They’ll usually open right up and tell you everything. If they start crying you know you’ve struck gold. Then it’s just a matter of acting sympathetic and telling them that you’ve had a similar experience and know exactly what they’re going through, and you have them eating right out of your hand.

CP: Hmmm, that sounds almost too easy.

CN: Oh don’t get me wrong, it takes a lot of practice. I’ve been doing this for years, I’m an expert now.

CP: OK, so this social experiment, can you tell me more about it?

CN: Well when I was released I decided that I’d need a more spiritual name so I settled for Hepzibah. It’s a Hebrew name meaning  “she is my delight”, I thought I could tie that in to being the bride of Jesus or something.

CP: You’re religious?

CN: Religion is BS, it’s for fools who are weak and don’t control their own destiny. Which is why I chose it as the main hook – if people believe you’re a spiritual leader, your battle is half won.

CP: It doesn’t sound like you have much respect for your followers.

CN: Respect? El Oh EL. I despise them. They are weak, feeble-minded and gullible. I can tell them literally anything and they’ll believe it. For instance I told them that both Hitler and Dracula are alive and well because they take a serum that changes their DNA. They believed it. To test their credulity, I said that they were gay, and have been married to each other for 12 years. They bought that too. Then I told them that both Hitler and Dracula are on Team Avocado, fighting the battle alongside us. No problem, they love it. I even send them messages pretending to be Hitler or Dracula and they fall for it every time.

CP: So what is your goal, exactly? Just to see how far you can push them?

CN: Well there are two goals. I like being worshiped. And they all do worship me. But of course the main goal is money. I have an allowance from my parents to cover basic necessities, but my status as spiritual leader gives me the opportunity to raise funds for ministry trips.

CP: Oh, so you actually go on trips and preach?

CN: Oh my god no. As if. Do you seriously think I’m gonna stand around on street-corners yelling at people? I want to have fun.  I use the money for holidays. I always wanted to travel the world, and I get more than enough in donations to take a vacation every few months.

CP: That seems rather dishonest.

CN: Who gives a shit? If they are stupid enough to give me money I’m not gonna stop them. Nobody ever demands to see pictures or videos of the sermons I’m supposed to be giving. If people are that stupid they deserve to get conned.

CP: Wow. Well it was interesting talking to you, but I really have to run. I’m wanted for murder and I can’t stay in one place for too long. I’ll catch up with you again soon, and we can continue from there. Bye!

CN: Yeah whatever…

 

 

 

The latest album by the evangelical/christian/occult/political band Haldol Hepzi and the Angry Avocados, featuring guest star Johnny Homeless on kazoo.

Containing their newest hits:

• Mom, Hannity’s astraling me again!
• Stalked by a Blackwater Bulldozer
• Hacked again!
• Cry Nazi Cry
• Diaper in the Dustbin
• Why did I pick 2 attorneys????

and some old but not forgotten singalongs:

• Randomly Raped Robert
• Drakki is my daddy
• Red Room Ruckus
• Julian says I’m beautiful
• Carla’s Nose

Here’s a screenshot of a thread on @SJLGuardians from July 9, 2019:

I’ll post the content as text now, and add comments below.

Reminder: there are 17 people who use this account, as well as, several insiders who we allow to post every now and then. Teslo, Alberto, KL, Drakki, Carla, Hepzi, Sharyn, Julian, Michael, Chris, Rod, Peter, Saul, Essex, Igor, Richard, and Tommy. Some of these people don’t post regularly…some have only posted once or twice and some can’t post currently because they’re in jail (Michael and Julian). We all are either IC members or insiders on some level. We have several ICs represented on our account: #FBI / #DoJ, #Mossad, #MI6, and #DGSE. Sharyn is a #FBI agent. Chris is the head of the FBI. Rod was the DAG of the #DoJ. Essex, Richard, and Tommy all work for the #DGSE. Peter & Teslo works for the #Mossad. Igor started at the Mossad but now works for #MI6 & FBI (an official MI6 agent but floats between FBI & MI6). Alberto, Drakki, Hepzi, and KL help with the ICs although they aren’t technical agents. They are called civilian consultants. They work mostly with MI6 and FBI. But sometimes they help Geeen Mossad and other ICs. Carla is not an agent but works closely with agents, as well. Everything we share either is signed off by the ICs or, in some cases, encoded for the ICs who scour our account. We dont post anything that could jeopardize any ongoing investigations and everything we #leak or threats we get are given to the ICs immediately. That being said, people need to stop acting like only two people manage this account because they dont. This a group effort just like the other councils. Not all the Guardians use this account but the 17 listed above have posted at least three or more times on here. Because unlike you pathetic little FAKE “resisters”, they actually did REAL resistance work behind the scenes and lost their lives over it. Grow up and get a life, and stop pretending to be “new” – we know you’re just another sock for the SAME sad little group of gang-stalkers.

I’ll tell you who these people are now, as far as I’ve seen them discussed:
(Disclaimer: these names and descriptions are from the narrative as concocted by Hepzi, Carla and Sharyn – I’m not nuts 🙂  )

Carla = Carla Oehme, an out-of-work aspiring actress from Canada
Hepzi = Hebzibah Nanna AKA Caitlyn Nanna, currently from Maryland
Sharyn = Sharyn Richardson from Texas

Julian = Julian Assange, who is madly in love with Hepzibah
Michael = Michael Cohen, ex-fixer for Trump
Chris = Chris Wray, head of FBI
Rod = Rod Rosenstein ex DAG
Peter = Peter Pace, United States Marine Corps general

Alberto = Adolf Hitler (he is alive and well thanks to a serum that changes his DNA)
Drakki = Dracula AKA Vlad Țepeș. Alberto and Drakki are married.
KL = King Louis (who is over 1000 years old)
Essex = Essex Valsyno, more than 2000 years old
Igor = Igor Valsyno, almost 3000 years old. Engaged to Carla.
Saul = no idea
Richard = no idea
Tommy = no idea
Teslo = no idea

The only 3 people in this list who really post are are Hepzibah Nanna, Sharyn Richardson and Carla Oehme. Based on the distinctive writing style it’s usually Hepzibah Nanna.

The other 5 real names on the list (Julian Assange, Michael Cohen, Chris Wray, Rod Rosenstein and Peter Pace) are very obviously NOT involved.

The rest of the names are the Twilight Zone section: they are all either made-up or long-dead people.

This is by no means the full list of Hebzibah’s fake accounts. This is only the list of SJLGuardians, as she posted it. There are other “councils” with equally bizarre members 🙂

Conversations with Cait. 1: The nazi crow.