How To Respond To Jerks Online With Authority And Malice

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.” Joseph Conrad

Someone explained “negging” to me the other day. I hadn’t heard the term before, but the idea of insulting a woman to undermine her self confidence seems to defeat the purpose of social media entirely. Doesn’t “social” mean you want friends? How does undermining women do that?

This led me to research these “neggers” (if that’s what they’re called), and I discovered they form a disturbing subset of a broader group known as “assholes.”

The difference seems to be that assholes are very upfront with their assholeness, whereas neggers aren’t. They tend to flit in and out of social media, throwing out low-grade insults wherever the opportunity arises.

“No one knows who they are,” one man explained on Reddit. “Maybe that makes them assholes by default.”

Neggers—or jerks, as they’re more commonly called— are ghosts, for the most part. Social media appears to offer them a forum that has no consequences, which suits them just fine since they apparently have few moral or ethical concerns.

The term “ghosting” is a common practice among both sexes, but jerks do it more than most. “No one knows who they are,” one man explained on Reddit. “Maybe that makes them assholes by default.”

Assholes and jerks seem to be interchangeable, but there’s a difference. An asshole feels a certain fight-or-flight mechanism. They defend themselves. Jerks, on the other hand, are essentially immune to name-calling. It’s sort of what makes them jerks. As Warren Buffett once said, “Having a billion dollars doesn’t make you a jerk. You had that basic DNA when you were broke.”

So we know why they’re jerks, but what makes them go after women online?

Well, it seems social media offers a wide array of women, some susceptible to “negging,” others not so much. Some might even respond with a negative comment of their own, like “God, you’ve got the brain of a chimp.” Jerks don’t seem to be turned off by this at all. Chimps might be, but not jerks.

In any event, jerks like the challenge, resulting in more negging and possibly more chimp jokes. The insults fly, creating what psychologists describe as “a battleground of venom and vacuous interplay.”

Outside of inciting violence, white supremacy or bestiality, they have a pretty open road.

Okay, we know what turns jerks on, but what turns them off? This has been debated endlessly, even by Facebook and most dating sites. They’d like to reduce the number of jerks online, too, but we have freedom of speech in this country. Outside of inciting violence, white supremacy or bestiality, they have a pretty open road.

Given the fact they’re invasive as hell, what can possibly discourage them? Well, it helps knowing how they think. Experts have concluded that most operate within a narrow circle of interest. They have obvious targets, usually women who offend easily or use chimp analogies.

These jerks obviously like chimps, or being compared to chimps, or the fact that they haven’t evolved from chimps based on their eating habits or personal grooming habits. This leaves women in a difficult position. What’s left if these jerks can’t be insulted by primate comparisons?

The answer is far simpler than women realize. Since very early times, women have had an arsenal of “turn offs” at their disposal. Catherine the Great used them. So did Queen Elizabeth I. They were so gifted in the use of these “turn-offs,” men literally cowered at their feet.

What did these women use that you can, too? Both Catherine the Great and Elizabeth I used a combination of witting retorts and hanging. The second was used when the first one didn’t register, or the individual was too busy trying to come up with a witty response to know they were being hung.

Catherine the Great once said to someone—possibly a negger— “Your wit makes others witty.” Sounds pretty tame for someone who could’ve had them executed, but sometimes Catherine chose a witty retort instead.

Kind of nasty after you’ve hung somebody, but Elizabeth did have her moments of reflection.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, appreciated both. On the day of Thomas Seymour’s execution, she said, “This day died a man with much wit and very little judgment.” Kind of nasty after you’ve hung somebody, but Elizabeth did have her moments of reflection.

Anyway, both women were known for their wit, and based on their long reigns, it demonstrates how effective and useful witty retorts can be, particularly in modern day exchanges (meaning social media).

The best part about witting retorts is they can be made up on the spot or copied from famous witty retorters.

Dorothy Parker gave a great witty retort when asked why she didn’t have children. “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

Now, we can’t all be as witty as Dorothy Parker, but sometimes you don’t have to be. One woman had a jerk online who kept saying he wanted her body. She responded with: “Settle the fuck down.”

Jerks aren’t the brainiest people, so it doesn’t take much to leave them nonplussed. Whether you go for the straightforward approach like the one above, or get a little more witty like Dorothy Parker, the end result will be fewer jerks and more smart guys who appreciate a jolly good retort.

Who wouldn’t admire the heck out of you for writing something like: “Tell him I was too fucking busy, and vice versa”? (Parker said this to her editor).

Rather than say, “I really don’t appreciate being asked for pictures of me in my undies,” here are six ways you can turn off his “hot light”:

So let’s take the example of the jerk asking you for hot pictures of yourself. Rather than say, “I really don’t appreciate being asked for pictures of me in my undies,” here are six ways you can turn off his “hot light”:

“I was about to send you naked pictures, then I started wondering if you’re the toe-sucking bag of shit my mother always warned me about.”

“Playboy paid me $250,000 for my last set of photographs. Send me a similar amount, and I’ll happily pass the pictures along.”

“All of my hot pictures are currently with law enforcement. They’ll be returned when I finish my 20-year stretch for killing a jerk with highliner pencil.”

“I’m sending you a virus instead. Gosh, did you open the file already?”

“Aren’t your pants far enough down your legs already?”

“Since you probably still live at home, I’ve sent the pictures to your mother. She’ll give them to you when you get the hell out of her basement.”

Now obviously not all jerks respond to witticisms, so you might be throwing pearls before swine — or pearl necklaces before swine. But even if it’s just “Settle the fuck down,” jerks hate being told to “Settle the fuck down.” Their mothers probably tell them that all the time. It didn’t get them out of their mother’s house, but it could get them off social media sites.

“They’re safe in front of their screens,” one person pointed out on Reddit. “They don’t even leave the house.”

My point here is, women can’t let jerks rule the day. They’ll multiply, possibly procreate. Then there’ll be more jerks, and more mind-numbing nonsense, all made possible by mediums with no consequences.

“They’re safe in front of their screens,” one person pointed out on Reddit. “They don’t even leave the house.”

This is quite true — and not just for jerks. According to dating sites, over a third of men never even go on dates. They spend an average of 5.3 hours looking at profiles and 6.5 hours sending messages.

How many of those are jerks? It’s hard to say. Men being men, though, it’s safe to assume jerks make up a pretty good percentage. These “stay-at-home warriors” are more interested in commentary than face-to-face.

With a little practice, though, and possibly some cribbing from Dorothy Parker, witty retorts can form your best line of defense. Used on a regular basis, jerks will tumble out their chairs, blinded by your feminine perspicacity.

They’ll bawl, rub their eyes, maybe even run from their mother’s basement, figuring something’s very wrong in the universe and they want no part of it.

Jerks hate perspicacity, especially the feminine kind (they don’t even know what perspicacity means, but they figure it’s pretty bad). They’ll bawl, rub their eyes, maybe even run from their mother’s basement, figuring something’s very wrong in the universe and they want no part of it.

Witty retorts are simply the best antidote to jerks. They’re safe, practical and, above all, effective in any online conversation.

Over time, you’ll be a force to be reckoned with, a true terror capable of fast verbal jabs and slashing put-downs. You’ll turn “negging” on its ear, and pretty soon, it’ll be the jerks and neggers and the assholes who lack self-confidence.

Once that happens, it leaves the field wide open for the nice guys.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (in paperback August 6th). Check out Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net