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371 pages, ebook
First published August 9, 2015
“I did not fear you. I fear a man’s touch. I find it abhorrent. But not yours. I wanted to embrace you that day. I needed to. Even if we cannot ever embrace again.”She dreams about being with Flame, about touching him. Even the most simple thing, like holding hands would mean the world to her. And this is not one sided. Flame wants more than anything to be able to touch Maddie. To be there for her when he needs her, to be able to hold her, but he’s not sure it’s possible. He cares too much for her to ever hurt her the way he feels he will if she gets too close.
“I know I’m different. I know I don’t see the world like everyone else does. But I want to see your world, Maddie. Even if it’s the only one I’ll ever understand.”I loved these two broken characters so much. I rooted for them. I was proud of them when they overcame things that were hard for them. Their story was not easy to read. Especially Flame’s. I could tell pretty much straight away why he was the way he was and knowing how he was treated growing up made me sick to my stomach. It’s not an easy read. But by the end, it’s so worth it. Maddie and Flame’s love story is worth all the heartache.
“I understand you Flame. And I am beginning to understand myself. What you and I are to each other.”
“And what is that?” I asked gruffly.
Maddie bowed her head. “Everything.”
My heart missed a beat, then she lifted her head and said, “Love.”
Maddie’s hand dropped over her racing heart and she whispered, “You, to me, are the only one I could ever love.”
“I used to wonder how two people- one broken girl, and one broken boy- could ever move on from their dark and tortured pasts. But now I know. Together, that’s how. They fight their way through… together.”
“I used to wonder how two people—one broken girl, and one broken boy—could ever move on from their dark and tortured pasts. But now I know...
Together, that’s how. They fight their way through TOGETHER.”
~ MADDIE
“How can you be evil when you ignite such hope in me?”
~ MADDIE
This man before me, the one my soul loved, was my safety. The man with whom I could only ever be this free and trusting.
The man who was mending my fractured soul…
~ MADDIE
I wanted him as my own. In this moment, seeing the man who had become the center of my world, breaking, I wanted nothing more than to save him. To gift him the peace he so richly deserved, even if it meant sacrificing my newly-awakened heart in the process.
~ MADDIE
“You, Flame. MY Flame. MY tortured boy. You gave me life and light.”
~ MADDIE
“That beat, that new lease of life pounding within my chest? It is HIS. The awakening of my heart belongs to Flame.
(...) If it is my turn to be his SAVIOR, then I will happily step into the FIRE. ”
~ MADDIE
You are my anchor. You are the one I was meant to find on this earth. You are the one for me. Only you can understand me, Flame. NO ONE ELSE.
~ MADDIE
“What are words? Sometimes the flick of a pair of eyes or the flush of skin reveals everything you need to know. Words can wound. Silence can heal.”
** ARC provided via HaveBookWillRead in exchange for an honest review **
5 my babies ⭐️s
“I used to wonder how two people—one broken girl, and one broken boy—could ever move on from their dark and tortured pasts. But now I know. Together, that’s how. They fight their way through… together.”
People said I was a fucking freak. All my life they’d told me I was born wrong.
“She would never want me. I’m a fucking retard. I don’t think right in here. I’m fucked up—I don’t get people, they don’t get me. And I ain’t ever gonna be able to read people. Why would someone as perfect as her want someone as fucked up as me? Someone who isn’t right in the head?”
I held up my wrist to show him I was trying to get the flames out. That I didn’t need the church, that I could do it myself. I could get the flames out myself, if he would just let me try. But he just hit my wrist down, then struck me on the back of my head.
He was angry with me, again. But I didn’t understand what I’d done to make him so mad? I tried. I always tried to make him happy. But it never worked. He just got madder. He just hurt me more and more. And I felt his disappoint deep inside me. I couldn't sleep, and all the worry made my hands shake. I… I was so confused. I didn’t mean to make him mad. I tried… I really, really tried.
“The flames hurt all of the time. They wouldn’t let me release them. They left me alone in a room, tied to a bed, letting the flames burn me alive.”
No one ever wanted to stay. They always left. I was always here alone.
Maddie had liked something on me? No one had ever liked me.
She said she would care for me. No one had ever cared for me before.
I knew she would leave. Because everyone left. No one ever wanted me for long.
“With her beside me, I can sleep with no demons in my head. And she sings to me. To me. No one’s ever sang to me before.”
I looked at my rigid fingers. They looked just like everyone else’s, but they didn’t work the same. Because other people could touch someone else. They could’ve put their hand on her face after she’d said thank you. They could’ve felt her skin. They could’ve maybe made her feel better.
But then the frustration filled my heart, and I thought, Your touch is poison. You’ll hurt her.
I didn’t want to leave her. I just wanted to be near her.
I fucking just needed to be close.
Evil still infused my body, but I could breathe. I panted. I sweated. But I could breathe. When I looked at her, I could breathe.
“Your cheeks are blushing again. That means you liked it. You told me you blushed when you liked something. That I’d just made you feel special.” His lips rubbed together, and I could see his mind turning over. “You liked sleeping next to me. Because it made you feel special.”
A smile crept on my lips. “Yes.”
“I liked it too.”
What the fuck were the stars and moon, when I had her?
“I wasn’t a fucking sinner. I was fucking different. I am fucking different. My head doesn’t work right, like others. But it wasn’t a fucking sin, I wasn’t fucking evil, I was different.”
“You owning that shit now?”
“She owns me. That’s all that fucking matters.”
For a fleeting moment I had the silly thought that if I made myself small enough, that if I pressed myself against the wall as small as I possibly could, then the Elders might leave me alone.
I instantly learned to dread that room. Then after a while, it became my life. And that’s when I died inside.
I shook with white-hot anger, incandescent at being ignored. I had been ignored enough in my life, pushed aside, thought of as weak and unimportant.
Not now. Not today.
“That is the beauty of freewill, Lilah. We choose our own actions. Unlike in commune, here we get to be the masters of our fate. I will go to Flame. Whatever transpires, transpires.”
I think perhaps, if you are told something often enough, you end up believing it. But maybe, just maybe, someone comes into your life and makes you question yourself. Makes you believe you are worth something.”
I held my right hand in the air, and with my left hand, intertwined the fingers just to imagine how it might feel.
A hand holding mine.
One simple touch.
A touch that said so much.
You are my faith awakened.
“So you may think you cannot be loved. But in my heart, in my healing soul, I am begging the question, how can you not? Because for me, you are truth. My truth. My heart, is all you.”
“I like you laughing.”
I sighed and whispered, “And I just love you in any fashion.”
“We are Flame and Maddie. And we have survived.”
“Then what do you believe in?” he tentatively asked.
Smiling through my tears, I said, “You. I believe in you.” Raising my head, my nose brushed his, and I confessed, “I believe in me. In us. We are all I need. All I’ll ever need from this point on.”
“But I like you touching me. You make me feel safe.”
“You cool my blood,” I replied.
“For once, in my whole life, I like being me.”
“Because of Flame?”
“Mostly, yes. He has brought me to life. But through him, I feel more at peace with myself. Does that make sense?”
“Are you ready?”
“No,” he rasped.
“But will you follow me?” I prompted.
“Anywhere.”
“I don’t ever remember being happy.”
Fighting back tears, I whispered, “Then this is what we will hope for. Happiness... Because Flame?”
“What?” he pushed, voice barely registering a whisper.
“You are my happiness.”
“I know I’m different. I know I don’t see the world like everyone else does. But I want to see your world, Maddie. Even if it’s the only one I’ll ever understand.”
“I draw, and that makes me happy. I was wondering what makes you happy?”
“I watch you.”
“That is what makes you happy? To watch me? Does it not bore you? I am asking what makes you happy? What you like doing most?”
Flame shook his head, then his eyes that I adored so much, met mine. “Being near you. Seeing you.”
“What are words? Sometimes the flick of a pair of eyes or the flush of skin reveals everything you need to know. Words can wound. Silence can heal.”
"We are Flame and Maddie. And we have survived."
"Who killed him?" she asked tightly, he green eyes running down the line.
On the end of the line, Flame begin to twitch his head, his heads balling into fists. Fuck. It had to be Flame, didn't it? This weren't gonna end well if she started shooting off her mouth.
Maddie fixed her gaze on Flame. "Was it you?" she asked frankly.
Flame nodded once and his mouth tightened.
"Yeah, I killed the fucker." His tattooed orange flames danced on his tense neck as his crazy black eyes fixed on Maddie. A fuckin' murderous glare.
Maddie stood right in front of him-brass balls, I thought as Flame's chest jerked erratically. Then, suddenly, she released a choked sob and threw her arms around Flame's waist.
Flame froze and his black eyes widened to the size of plates. His hands shot up in the air clenching into fists. Fuck! The brother couldn't be touched. He was about to go nuclear.
"Thank you," Maddie whispered and pressed her cheek flat to his cut. "Thank you so very much..."
Flame's eyebrow pulled down in confusion and his black eyes glared down at her wrapped 'round his waist. Then we all froze as his hands lowered and flattened awkwardly on her back. His nostrils flared as Maddie released another sob and cried.
"You freed me. You freed me from him."
Flames eyes squeezed shut and his teeth clenched. But he didn't push her off, didn't scream, jerk, or hit out. The fucked-up brother just let it happen.
Ky turned to me, shock clear on his expression I shrugged. I could never get a read on the brother. Never knew what the fuck he was thinking.
Maddie pulled bak with a small smile and Flame's eyes bored into hers. She began walking back to Mae, but not before glancing over her should. "What is your name?" she asked Flame nervously.
Flame's lips parted and released a hiss of a breathe before muttering. "flame."
Maddie smiled a wide, stunning smile. "You have my eternal gratitude, Flame. I am forever in your debt."
Flame stared and stared at Maddie, a fuckin' hungry expression on his face."
"Flame swung around and fisted AK's cut. The brother didn't even flinch. AK and Vike had known Flame for years. They were the only fuckers that could understand him. "They could have killed her. For that, they will die! They could have taken her from me. The could have take her from me! And she was screaming, but I couldn't touch her!" He let go of AK, sliced at his arm, and hissed out in relief as blood dropped to the dirt. "I need to kill."
"Flame's whole body tense, a fuckin' scary shit noise ripped from his throat, and he boomed out, "HE AIN'T HER FUCKIN' BROTHER MOSES! SHE'S FUCKIN' MINE!!!"
"Flame's head was twitching from side to side and his black eye roved the yard like an animal seeking prey. A bottle of beer was thrust into his hand by Viking, but Flame threw it to the ground and continued his search.
Seeing us sitting on the porch, Flame stormed over, his ams and chest muscles bulging under his full body of tattoos... "Where is she?" Flame snapped at Styx before I had a chance to apologise for what I had done to him.
Flame next looked to Ky. This time his voice was LIKE broken glass, "Where. Is. She?"...
Flame radiated rage and, face turning red, he screamed, "WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE!"
Just as I turned onto the porch, I saw a Harley parked up out back… a black and chrome Fat Boy customized with fucked up paintings of Hades and red and orange flames. That bike only belonged to one man… one brother I couldn’t get the fuck away from my cabin.
Flame.
The psycho brother Flame.
Walking to my door, Flame was pacing the back porch, his crazy fucking eyes wild. Hearing my footsteps sound on the wood, Flame snapped his eyes to mine, his knife pulled out ready to cut a fucker up.
When he saw it was me, the muscles in his neck twitched and he stormed my way. “When’s she back?” he said through clenched teeth.
“Thirty, forty minutes,” I signed back. Flame watched my hands move and his black eyes settled down, but his hands still shook like fuck.
I pushed my key into the lock and looked to him again. He was staring at his hands, a confused look on his face.
I whistled and the brother met my eyes.
“You good?” I signed.
Flame scraped his fingernails down his cheek, huge welts appearing on the skin that his beard didn’t cover. “Been on the road too long. Too long, Prez. Haven’t slept. Haven’t eaten… just need to see her. Can’t switch my brain off. Just keep seeing her face in my head.”
Flame’s eyes bore into mine and I nodded my head. Fuck knows what was going through his mind, but the fucked up possessive way he was ‘bout Maddie had gotten worse.
I knew I shouldn’t have taken him on that run. He was more unstable than ever. Maddie was completely fucking with his head.
“We are Flame and Maddie. And we have survived”
“We have found each other, and we are never letting each other go.”
“What are words? Sometimes the flick of a pair of eyes or the flush of skin reveals everything you need to know. Words can wound. Silence can heal.”
“You, Flame. My tortured boy. You gave me life and light.”
(tw: spoilers) Flame has autism and his whole entire childhood, his dad raped, abused, cut him, locked him in a cellar every night. he also witnessed his baby brother dying in his arms, which made him believe whatever the crazy "church" people and his dad told him where his blood is evil just because he was different.
and now, as an adult, he cuts himself and touches himself to make the "flames in his blood go away" so he has to do his painful ritual every night because the voice of his father is still in his head. he does this so won't hurt others, especially Maddie. there are a few explicit scenes where nothing is held back so be warned people!!
"I draw, and that makes me happy. I was wondering what makes you happy?"
I watched Flame's face as his eyes flitted from side to side, when he said, "I watch you."
Heat infused my body, and I whispered, "That is what makes you happy? To watch me? Does it not bore you? I am asking what makes you happy? What you like doing the most?
Flame shook his head, then his eyes that I adored so much, met mine. "Being near you. Seeing you."
No one would ever hurt her again. If they did, they would die.
Die under my motherfucking blades…
Because she was mine. The little black-haired bitch called Maddie was mine.
"I know I'm different. I know I don't see the world like everyone else does. But I want to see your world, Maddie. Even if it's the only one I'll understand."
“For fractured souls are like magnets. Drawn to collide into an impossible bliss...”
“What are words? Sometimes the flick of a pair of eyes or the flush of skin reveals everything you need to know. Words can wound. Silence can heal.”
“I never thought of myself as a strong person. But it is amazing how much strength you discover you have deep inside, when someone you love depends on you to be their rock, when they find themselves weak. How much courage you can muster, when the one you love relies on you to keep him from falling to the ground. And how much happiness can be harbored within your soul, when you allow someone into your heart.”
“I used to wonder how two people—one broken girl, and one broken boy—could ever more on from their dark and tortured pasts. But now I know. Together, that’s how. They fight their way through...together.”
My wife quietly sang as I stared at my favourite sketch.
At us.
My Maddie.
Her Flame.
She was special to me. She was everything. She was all I thought about, day and night. I had to be underneath her window just to be near her.
"I need her."
I tapped my head.
"In here, I need her."
Then I bounced my fist over my heart.
"And here, I feel her in here too."
"He's Flame. He's my fucking brother, condition or not."
“The flames never calmed. They forever … burned. But with her… I wanted to grip her tighter”
“I like to watch you. I like you being near me. It’s better than standing under your window. I like being able to see you up close.”
“You are a good man,
Flame. You were simply dealt a bad hand.”
“I knew he would not lie. He could not lie. That made me feel safe. And to me, feeling safe was the most important thing in my life.”