Unexpressed Anger at Home Sometimes Leads To Rage In The Workplace

Conflicts between lovers or spouses or those harsh moments between friends or family members, is a natural part of the human existence. No matter how much people say they love each other, conflicts are bound to happen.  Unfortunately, for most of us, there will be circumstances when life with your significant others throws you a curve ball that is riddled with insults, frustrations, and challenges.

Sometimes the people throwing the balls are the same people we love, our spouse or partner. Those balls are sometimes thrown so hard that they break our hearts and bring relationship to a sudden stop. Sometimes those hardships in our relationships cause so much anger and despair that we find it difficult to do anything, except escape from the pain. 

Not everyone responds the same way when relationships are brought to an end, but we all experience some degree of shame, guilt, sadness, and anger. If a marriage fails and there are child custody issues involved, it’s likely that you might be on an emotional roller-coaster for a while. When this happens, you have to remind yourself that you can alter your attitude about the situations or alter your behavior. Sometimes, you will need to alter both, and there will be times when you feel like you can’t do anything about your problems at home. It is during these times that if you don’t have a way to release anger, your anger can follow you to your workplace.

 If your answer  is “YES” to these questions, chances are good that anger is causing you some problems at home and at work

• Are you quick tempered?
• Do you feel annoyed when you are not given recognition for doing good work?
• Do you feel infuriated when you do a good job and get a poor evaluation?
• Does it make you furious when you are criticized in front of others?
• Do you get angry when you are slowed down by others' mistakes?
• Do you boil inside, but don’t show it.
• Are you secretly quite critical of others.
• Do you tend to harbor grudges that you don’t tell anyone about.
• Do you make sarcastic remarks to others. 
• Are you usually angrier than you are willing to admit.

As difficult as your circumstances at home may be, you have the ability to overcome enormous obstacles and challenges. You might not be able to change everything about your relationship, but with courage and determination, you can create a different internal reality for yourself. The key is to stay determined, think before you act, and keep your minds focused on how you want to communicate while dealing with your anger. 

If your relationship anger spillover into your workplace, then it’s likely to have an impact on your productivity. Project deadlines are missed because you are not focused. Your communications with co-workers might become strained and you find yourself yelling at people for no reason. Complaints about your erratic behavior are bound to surface and appears in your evaluations. 

For some people, the situation at home becomes so intense that they are notably absent from those important meetings with co-workers and supervisors. Depending on the severity of the problems at home, some people find themselves feeling too sick and upset to go to work. For others, dealing with the immense pressures from home leads to illness and health problems like hypertension, cardiac arrhythmia, ulcers, and colitis to name a few.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized by your partner, but don't fight back. Instead, focus  your attention on what's underlying the words. In some cases, the message might be that your partner feels neglected and unloved. It might be that they are uncomfortable with how you criticized them in public. For many of us, it takes a lot of patient questioning and it may require some breathing space to get to the causes of the problems. Regardless of the source of the conflict, don't let your anger—or yours partner's—spin out of control. Keeping your cool can prevent the situation from becoming a disastrous one. Nipping the problem in the bud while you're at home is possible, but you have you cool the flames of anger to do so.

Here’s some advice for preventing anger at home from seeping into that job you have worked so hard to get. Not all of the advice will work for everyone, and if what you are going through at home is too much for your to handle, then seek out some professional help.

Tips to avoid bringing relationships anger to work

1. Slow Down and Think Through Your Responses with Your Partner—It’s so natural to become defensive and say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say to your partner. At the same time, listen carefully to what your partner is saying and take your time before answering. Remind yourself, that it’s better to focus on being happy rather than being right and miserable.
2. Think About The Meaning of Your Anger—Underneath your anger is a justifiable hurt that has been stirred because your partner said or did something to violated some of your rules. Focus on what is underlying your anger and address those issues. Talk to your partner about how you feel and let them know exactly why you feel angry. But most importantly, let them know that you love them and that you want what is best for your relationship.
3. Call a Time-Out and Change Your Environment—Sometimes, the best thing to do is to call a time-out and leave the situation until you have get yourself together. If you feel like you are about to explode, let your partner know that you need a little time to process the information and think about the circumstance. Set an arranged time to resume the conversation. Take a walk, go to the gym or just do something to relax. After this brief quiet time, you’ll feels better prepared to handle demands of the situation without blowing up.
4. Re-Think Your Approach to Problems Solving with Your Partner—It might be hard for you to admit it, but you are not right all-the-time and you don’t always have a solutions for dealing with conflicts with your partner. Resolve to give it your best and don’t punish yourself if you can’t immediately come up with the right answer. This is where communication is key and where it’s important to open up, even becoming a bit vulnerable, and letting your partner know that you are committed to the relationship and that you are doing your best to face the problem head-on. Let them know that you need and value their input and that two people working as one is the best way to address the problems. Even if the problems don’t get resolved right away, you have created an opportunity for you to grow closer to your partner.
5. Discover The Benefits of Relaxation and/or Meditation—If you are in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it’s a good idea for both of you to have a time every day where you can just relax. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation and meditation techniques. Practicing these techniques daily is one sure way to increase your threshold for dealing with stress, frustrations, and anger provoking situation at home and at work. Sometimes, you might find it useful to use these techniques when you have called a time-out from dealing with tense situations. Some couples use these techniques to cultivate a transition from work to home at the end of the day. Just imagine doing nothing but relaxing and/or meditating for the first 20 to 30 minutes when you arrived home from a busy day at work.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation at home with your partner. By doing so, you’ll change the way you think about your anger. You’ll be less likely to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect your frustrations. For many of us, when we are angry, our thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. By practices these techniques, you will become more aware of your demanding nature and your need to be right. You’ll also be more likely to resolve conflicts at home so that you don’t take relationship anger into your workplace.

Allowing problems at home to spill over into your workplace is a sure way to create a bad reputation at work. In some cases, the problems can become so intense that it leads to you loosing your job. But it does not have to turn out this way. 

If you are looking for ways to prevent anger from taking control of your relationships, then take a look at Cooling The Flames of Anger: How to Stop Anger from Destroying Your Love. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ernest H. Johnson, Ph.D. is an expert transformational teacher, mentor, health psychologist, and former university professor. His mission is to empower men, couples, parents, and educators to fully express their gifts and talents by sharing strategies for preventing anger and other emotions from reaping havoc in their relationships and personal development. Join him on Twitter @DoctorErnest and connect on LinkedIn.

NOTE: All views and opinions are those of the author only and not official statements or endorsements of any public sector employer, private sector employer, organization or political entity.