In their new book, This Is So Awkward, experts Cara Natterson, MD, and Vanessa Kroll Bennett tackle the evolving science, the cringey questions, and the many dos and don’ts of helping your child navigate the turbulent ups and downs of puberty. From demystifying the brain science to what you probably shouldn’t say to an emotional teen, here are some of their top tips.
They can’t help it
First things first: Remember that kids cannot help their moodiness. Adults find this maddening, a few even calling pubescent kids “assholes” out loud, most just silently judging them that way. But this isn’t fair, because though they might act like assholes, they’re not doing it willfully. Surging hormones can make kids laugh hysterically, cry uncontrollably, get in your face aggressively, or go utterly silent.
Regardless of how a particular mood might swing, it can be extremely difficult to avoid a less-than-constructive reaction. But check yourself: We’re the ones with fully developed brains and (generally) more stable hormone levels, or at least a longer track record of managing our own chemical ups and downs. It’s our job to support kids while they’re riding an emotional roller coaster with no safety bar or seat belt and to provide them with reassurance and comfort, not ridicule and judgment.
What’s happening in their brains
Adolescent-mood science is limited because only a handful of researchers have studied the connection between brain maturation and moodiness. The few studies that do exist describe the biology behind classic tween and teen moods like this: Immature behavioral control centers in young brains make adolescents more emotionally reactive, thanks largely to one particular part of the limbic system called the amygdala. Another big contributor here is the immature prefrontal cortex, which lacks the ability to help teen brains regulate emotions once they are feeling them.
By the tween years, the neurons of the limbic system are covered in a layer of insulation called myelin, allowing this part of the brain to send and receive signals very fast. The more thoughtful, rational, and still largely unmyelinated prefrontal cortex sends and receives signals far more slowly. The prefrontal cortex, designed to regulate these reactions and hold them in check, cannot yet keep up with the limbic system’s game of neural ping-pong. In a half-mature brain suddenly exposed to surging and then dropping doses of hormones, one result is wildly swinging moods.
What not to say
Do not tell them to calm down: Whatever you do, do not tell them to calm down! It never works. When under-construction brains are flooded with hormones, calming down presents a gargantuan challenge that takes time on their part and patience on yours. What you can do is take some deep breaths of your own, which will help your brain reset and might coregulate your kid a bit, too.
Do not tell them to stop crying: There are two reasons for this. Maybe they can’t stop crying because the estrogen flooding their body is telling them, Keep crying. Or maybe crying feels good, a pop-off valve for their strong emotions. Just because it makes you uncomfortable to see them cry doesn’t mean tears are bad for your kid. Instead of telling them to stop, you might say: “Would it help if I sat here with you? Would you like a hug or is it easier if I don’t touch you right now?”
Do not say that it’s not a big deal: An adult might not think it’s a bit deal when their kid is disinvited to walk to Starbucks after school, but to that kid, It feels like a really big deal—it’s hurtful and lonely. So when we turn around and say, “Get over it; it’s not that big a deal,” it invalidates their feelings. What’s more, this response makes them not want to share with you in the future. To avoid this, consider saying something like, “Such a bummer. Is there anything you want me to say, or is it better if I just keep you company?”
Do not tell them it’ll be fine tomorrow: We as adults might know that the C on their history test will not dictate the next 50 years of their lives, but kids don’t have the lived experience or the developmental maturity to look very far down the road. When they are railing against the injustice of an exam, instead of minimizing their emotions, find something empathetic and simple to say instead: “That must feel really unfair. You sound really disappointed.”
Engaging with the quiet ones
One minute your kid is a chatty snuggle-bunny, and the next minute they seem to be living on a remote island in the middle of your house. This shift can be confusing and worrying, sometimes provoking a knee-jerk reaction to double down on efforts to engage them. Resist this urge, because it will likely push a kid to retreat even further into their shell, like a hermit crab on the beach. Practice the skill of asking a question and then waiting for a response. If the quiet isn’t getting you anywhere, you can try some of these strategies instead.
Get interested in their interests even if they’re not the least bit interesting to you. Show them that you value what matters to them (even if you’re faking it). Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and Voice Lessons, advises parents to “become enchanted with their enchantment.”
Ask open-ended questions that leave room for elaboration. Instead of “How was school today?”, you can try “What’s one funny thing that happened in class?” It won’t work every time, but intermittent success is better than none when the standard response is “Fine.”
Help the silent kids talk about stuff when they aren’t sure how to start. Let them know the door is open by saying things without judgment, like “I’m always here to listen to you without judgment. I know there’s a lot going on in your life, and sometimes it’s nice just to get it out.”
But if your spidey sense is telling you that all is not right with your kid and you simply cannot get the conversational door cracked open, find someone for them to talk to, like a guidance counselor, a pediatrician, or a therapist. Don’t assume you’re overreacting; trust your instincts.
Emphasize sleep—and target late-night cramming sessions
We hear from families all the time that the battle over reasonable bedtime goes hand in hand with intense academic pressure. The burden kids feel to get good grades weighs so heavily that they are staying up into the wee hours of the morning doing homework, studying for tests, churning out projects. The stress itself is bad for kids for so many reasons, emotional and physical, and now, on top of that, these stressed-out kids cannot clock the hours of z’s that they need. The big four benefits of sleep—mood reset, memory filing, metabolic rebalance, and growth—become unattainable if they’re regularly burning the midnight oil. We need to give them permission to go to sleep. Convince them with science (because your opinion certainly won’t sway them): “You literally store memories while you sleep, so at a certain point you’re actually better off going to sleep and storing what you just learned rather than continuing to cram.”
Conversations aren’t futile (despite how it may feel)
It’s astounding when a kid lists every responsible answer to questions about managing tough situations, only to turn around and do something terrifying later that night. No, they’re not professional BS artists; they are simply living with brains under major construction. This raises the question: Is it even worth having these conversations in the first place? If, when push comes to shove (or when limbic system comes to prefrontal cortex), the limbic system will win out, why bother?
The biggest reason why these conversations matter boils down to muscle memory. Okay, the brain isn’t actually a muscle, but walking through scenarios and even role-playing can help kids anticipate what’s coming instead of being surprised by pretty predictable situations. That said, these are conversations, not monologues—they need to be active, not passive, experiences for kids. Take the example of what to do when drugs are offered up at a party. Lectured kids receive the information passively (they’re also probably bored and annoyed), but kids who are asked for their input are actively engaged. Better yet, querying kids about what they would do rather than telling them what to do reveals what they know and what they don’t, whether or not they have a plan, when they need help and when they’re good. If you can convince them, do a role-play. It is an effective way to work through difficult scenarios ahead of time. But be forewarned: Asking a teen to role-play will likely elicit massive eye rolls and brutal mockery. It’s an exercise almost everyone loves to hate.
No magic pill eliminates tween and teen moodiness from puberty. And wow, can it be supremely annoying and tough to deal with. But it won’t last forever—in fact, the dynamic will start to improve the sooner we constructively engage. This means not rising to the bait, avoiding meeting their anger with our anger, emphasizing health, and finding new ways in to communicate. The sooner we get past the pendulous mood swings, the sooner we can help them navigate all the other confusing highs and lows of puberty.
From the book This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD, and Vanessa Kroll Bennett. Copyright 2023 by Vanessa Kroll Bennett and Cara Natterson, MD. Published by Rodale Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.
