Suicidal Thoughts Are Not Always What They Seem

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One person dies by suicide in the U.S. every 11 minutes, according to the Center for Disease Control (CDC). This statistic is startling.

It’s natural to want to eschew such a painful topic, but I encourage you to keep reading with care. Because the reality is that the world is full of people struggling with this very thing.

In fact, the NCHS or National Center for Health Statistics found that suicide rates are up 33 percent since 1990. And a 2018 study by Cerel et al. found that for every suicide, 135 people are affected on some level.

What these numbers tell us is that we need to understand more about suicide. From those hurting and contemplating to those grieving and confused, we need to talk about it in order to do a better job of preventing it.

And while the concern for these high suicide rates is understandable, concern only gets us so far if we do not discuss the underlying issues and ways to prevent these tragedies from happening.

Suicidal Ideation

There are legions of people who think about suicide. Some fantasize about what it would be like to no longer be on this earth while others have specific plans for how they’d like to leave. Some see suicide as something that is plausible while others have no intention of taking action. Some can become preoccupied with the idea of suicide with varying degrees of engagement with these kinds of thoughts, perhaps on occasion, often, or every day.

We don’t yet know all the answers about what makes some people more prone to suicidal ideation. We do know that depression is a risk factor, and a 2022 study by Rogers & Joen, et al, found a direct link to those who tend to ruminate (worry) more. We also know that suicidal ideation does not discriminate, even the most unlikely people who may seem completely “put together” on the outside can experience it. I see emotional neglect in the childhoods of many who are prone.

Some sufferers desperately want the thoughts to dissipate, but what many don’t realize is that they are actually using suicidal thoughts as a coping mechanism. I know this may sound counterintuitive but it is not at all uncommon.

The Role of Childhood Emotional Neglect

If we’re talking about those struggling with intense emotional experiences, we must also talk about childhood emotional neglect. Those who experienced childhood emotional neglect had parents who under-responded to their emotional needs. These types of families lack emotional awareness and understanding. They are not able to teach their child the emotional skills they'll need.

And this raises quite an issue because feelings are the foundation for most necessary life skills. If you weren’t taught that it’s okay to feel, what are you supposed to do when you feel grief, aloneness, sadness, anger, or pain? If you weren’t taught how to appropriately respond to your emotions, what are you supposed to do when you have a feeling that needs to be tolerated, understood, and expressed?

Emotions guide you, protect you, connect you, and energize you to live your life in a wholehearted way. Without a healthy relationship with your emotions, you are left without the essential ingredients necessary to survive and thrive when life gets hard.

And so, what do you do when you grow up in an emotionally neglectful family? You must somehow find your own coping skills to survive. Suicidal ideation is not something you consciously choose; it happens outside of your awareness to help you live emotion-free in an abundantly emotional world.

Suicide as a Coping Mechanism

Jamie was experiencing suicidal ideation daily. He wanted so badly for his thoughts to stop. They seemed to plague him as he went through his days, unable to disengage from thoughts about death. In our work together, we decided to do something a bit different. Instead of trying to get rid of it, push it down, and be frightened of these thoughts, we would try to understand them a bit better. Once we did this, we learned that Jamie was having suicidal thoughts as a way to avoid dealing with difficult things. He would often fantasize about suicide as a way to escape his struggles, and his past and current painful experiences. Sometimes he imagined that once he was gone, others would finally realize how much pain he had been suffering all along.

I see this sometimes in those with childhood emotional neglect—relying on suicidal thoughts to cope with the pain happening underneath. It’s a way to put out the fire, but a very costly one.

You may cope like Jamie and use suicidal thoughts as a way to avoid your feelings, or you may use it as a way to communicate your pain to others.

Suicide Essential Reads

What We Don't Talk About When It Comes to Suicide Prevention

Self-Immolation Is Often Part Protest, Part Suicide

What People That Use Suicidal Thoughts to Cope Have in Common

• Suicide seems like a good idea in times of desperation and pain. It’s hard to see the realities and permanence of suicide while you’re in it.
• Sufferers tend to have false ideas about how it would affect others, not seeing the destruction it will cause in its wake.
• It’s quite difficult for folks to realize the function of their suicidal thoughts—that it’s their way to cope with painful feelings, and not a truly helpful solution, as these thoughts themselves are a form of self-sabotage and self-destruction.
• People are unaware of the damage it causes to use suicide as a coping mechanism, and greatly fear getting to understand the feelings of hurt and despair underneath.

If you are someone who struggles with suicidal ideation, know you are not alone. It’s important you know that every time you use this as a coping skill, you are doing yourself a disservice. You don’t give yourself a chance to learn other, healthier ways of handling your painful emotions. And there are far, far more effective and healthier ways.

You’ll soon find that useful paths emerge after you realize this is a coping skill. These other paths can take you to a place of healing.

The Paths to Healing

Path 1: Dive into learning and understanding what childhood emotional neglect is. In my experience working with emotionally neglected folks, once they understand what happened (or didn’t happen) in their family, they feel less inclined to blame themselves. You never learned how important your feelings are and what to do with them. That’s not your fault.

Path 2: Just because you missed out on learning about emotions as a child doesn’t mean it’s too late to learn now. You can learn to identify, understand, manage, and express your feelings in new ways. This is a coping skill worth having.

Path 3: Ask for help from a therapist, a trusted friend, a spiritual guide, or whomever you believe will be a compassionate source of support. You no longer have to suffer alone.

What I have to offer you is hope. So many of those struggling lose it, especially when they are using suicide as a way to cope. But, there are so many other options that are easy to miss when you are trying to survive your pain.

Please share this post with others and keep talking openly about suicide. It’s by educating ourselves and each other about this silent scourge that we can stop it from taking the lives of those we love.

© Copyright Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.